Mage: The Podcast

In the early days of Mage: The Ascension the Nephandi were more narrowly defined as cultists who served Cthulhu-like beings. This piece was inspired by If I was an Evil Overlord and is mock advice to NPC Nephandi.

1. Pick one faith and stick with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
2. Avoid needless embarrassment.  Practice the correct pronunciation of your god’s name in the privacy of your room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
3. Never invoke anything bigger then your head.
4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10 pounds in weight. You’re just asking for trouble.
5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the Dark Lords.
6. Always keep your kit with you:  candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, thugee knife, service revolver, garlic, cab fare, condoms, change.
7. Never be the cultist that goes to rough up the investigators. Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe but going round to beat up the good guys is a definite no-no.
8. When a Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the cult leader. Enraged daemons always go for the pompous.
9. Don’t gloat.
10. If you do gloat, never reveal your plans.
11. If you gloat and reveal your plans, never leave the investigators to die slowly. They don’t.
12. If you do gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the investigators to die slowly, don’t have the audacity to look surprised when they show up to foil you.
13. Investigators always arrive at the last moment to foil you. Start a half hour early. They hate that.
14. Select ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
15. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, close your eyes.
16. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with the testicles.
17. During ritual sacrifice, taking bits home “for later” is now considered bad form.
18. Blood tests are now required of all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living or even intact.
19. Contrary to historic belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the shit comes down it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw holy water at, and the gibbering monstrosity that will go away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a hot bath.
20. Never play strip tarot.
21. Piety and belief are powerful things and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith and his soul. However, it is also true that gods are on the side of the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
22. For those situations where a fresh living sacrifice is just not feasible or possible, the lower ranks of daemons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it.  A mock victim sculpted of spam is right out.